


I was terrified of the dark; so the darkness I became.

by TeamParkGae



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, But not cutting, Canon Compliant, Dealing With Feelings Badly, Details of self harm, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Jeonghan is a mum, Jun is struggling alot, Leader Coups is a protective bean, M/M, Minghao is frustrated, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Strongly implied JunHao, or at least I think so, panic disorder, th eyounger members aren't actually dicks, they just make bad jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 15:32:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14897219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamParkGae/pseuds/TeamParkGae
Summary: Jun is struggling badly but won't let anyone close enough to help him."Jun had always struggled a bit with his confidence. He knew that he could dance, that he had a nice singing voice and people seemed to spend most of their time insisting he could be a model. It didn’t help the ache in his chest or the burn in his eyes as younger members laughed and sauntered away from him."





	I was terrified of the dark; so the darkness I became.

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING THIS CONTAINS DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF PANIC ATTACKS AND SELF HARM. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. 
> 
> The title of the fic and the fic itself, although it kind of got a bit off track, are based on a poem I found. If anybody recognises it can they let me know please?! 
> 
> I was terrified of the dark;  
> so the darkness I became.  
> I was scared of my own demons,  
> so I learned them all by name.  
> I was fearful of the monsters,  
> so I became a monster too.  
> I was frightened by a ghost haunting me,  
> until I found out it was you.

Jun had always struggled a bit with his confidence. He knew that he could dance, that he had a nice singing voice and people seemed to spend most of their time insisting he could be a model. It didn’t help the ache in his chest or the burn in his eyes as younger members laughed and sauntered away from him. He didn’t blame them for making fun of him, he was a bit weird. He always had been but having to learn a whole new language didn’t exactly help things. Ming Ming had helped but then he left. Just as Jun got used to isolation Minghao arrived. Big eyes and cute little mess ups. The other members fawned over him constantly, no one minded when he got it wrong. No one laughed at him, not like that. Jun should have hated his guts but he didn’t. He adored him, Minghao was his own little piece of home. The pair had been inseparable from the start but Jun had been questioning everything. He watched the younger disappear, laughing along with the others. 

“You ok?” Seungcheol appeared beside him, hand firm on his shoulder. 

“Y-yeah, Yeah I’m fine, Hyung.” He lied. 

“You sure? You look a little lost” the leader questioned cocking his head and frowning a little. 

“I’m fine, Hyung. I’m gonna go for a shower while the others are out.” 

“I thought you were going with them” the older frowned fully now. 

“They uh- We- I changed my mind.” Jun stumbled through a few excuses before settling with the simplest option. 

“Oh, is that so?” Seungcheol quirked an eyebrow before giving a few reassuring pats on the Chinese man’s shoulder and leaving him to his thoughts. Jun was going to go with them but after Mingyu’s dumb joke about how they “only wanted to cope with one foreigner at a time” and Seungkwan’s suggestion that they “take the cute one” the oldest decided he’d rather stay at the dorm anyway. He made his way towards the bathroom before a hand caught his wrist. 

“Are you ok?” a familiar voice asked in Chinese. Jun took a deep breath before forcing on a smile and turning to the younger. 

“I’m fine, Hao. I’m gonna have a shower and get some rest. You guys go ahead.” He made to turn again but Minghao wouldn’t let him go, deep frown settling into his brow. 

“If there was something wrong you’d tell me right?” He questioned. 

“Of course.” The older deadpanned through his lie. A little proud that he didn’t flinch at the way it burned up his throat and left a foul taste in his mouth. The younger seemed to accept the words and let go of the older’s wrist. Throwing an unsure look over his shoulder as he walked back down the hall to pull on his shoes and join the others. 

The shower did nothing to rid him of the feeling that had settled just under his skin. It didn’t seem to matter how hard he scrubbed or how hot the water was it didn’t work. He flinched at his reflection as he stepped out from behind the curtain. His shoulders and chest where bright red and raw from the rough treatment he’d put them through. Glancing down at his stomach he could see a patch that had been scrubbed down past the first layer of skin. The cool air made it sting, he dried as best he could and made a dash for his room praying that no one else was in there to see him like this. To his relief he was alone. Why was he always alone? 

 

****

Minghao couldn’t pinpoint the moment that his best friend slipped through his fingers but with every fake smile, every carefully created lie, he watched him slip further away. He tried to reach out, pull him back to his side but the older seemed set on abandoning him. He felt betrayed, angry but whenever he caught the other sunk into his thoughts he could see the pain in his eyes and the anger melted away leaving room for a much more uncomfortable feeling. He could feel it now as he watched the older lie to his face and then turn his back on him to go take a shower. He knew this would happen the moment Mingyu opened his mouth but that didn’t make the crushing feeling in his chest any less unbearable. He never gave up, not on anything but right now he had no energy, he had nothing left to throw at the older so instead of calling out one last time like his heart was begging him to he let the words catch in his throat, turning to the door and following the others out. Jun would be fine, he obviously just needed time. 

Returning home was just as crushing as leaving. Jun was sat on the couch, TV playing some drama Jeonghan loved. The older wasn’t watching though he was looking just past the screen. His eyes looked empty, like glass. Minghao could have cried at the sight. Maybe he wouldn’t be ok, maybe he didn’t need time. The younger Chinese man made his way over to the couch and placed himself down next to the older, pressing right into his side. Minghao could feel the older flinch under him. He laid a lean arm over the broader chest and rested his head in to the crook of the tanned neck, trying to relax himself best he could, praying this was enough at least for now. The elder felt tense, he wouldn’t relax. Minghao sighed and started to run soothing circles into the muscled shoulder. The older finally let out the breath he’d been holding and melted into the touch. The dark haired dancer smirked at the feeling. Maybe it would be ok, maybe they could get through this together. Just like they always did. He closed his eyes and snuggled further into the neck, he was so warm tonight. They stayed like this for a while, none of the others giving it second glance as they went about their business. He’d not felt this calm in a while until he heard an almost deafening screech from the bathroom. The body beneath him tensed and both of them jerked their heads to the hall to see Seungkwan appear in the doorway in nothing but a towel. His shoulder was bright red and scalded. 

**** 

After Jeonghan had dragged him to watch some drama Jun lost track of time. His eyes lost all focus and his thoughts started to rip through his resolve. His breath felt heavy, sticking in his throat. Rocks tumbling and filling up his lungs. He wanted to move, flinch, breath, do anything. But he couldn’t make himself do it, his fingers and lips started to tingle. Maybe he was dying, maybe the heat from the shower had injured his brain. The feeling got worse and worse until breathing took considerable thought and his vision had started to blur at the edges. He flinched hard as a weight settled against his right side, pressing him in to the arm of the couch a little more, his body was rigid as the weight settled further in to him and a head rested on his shoulder, an arm pinning him down. He couldn’t bring himself to look at who it was his breathing becoming even more of a struggle. He heard a deep frustrated sigh and his brain finally caught up just in time for a gentle hand to start running circles in to his tense shoulder. Minghao. The fear seeped out of him and his lungs felt a little lighter. The fuzz snapped back out of his eye-line and relief washed over him. He was safe now, Minghao wouldn’t let him die on some old couch. Despite being the one who’d pulled himself away he couldn’t help but bask in the feeling of the younger against his side. Like it should be, maybe they could get through this together. Just like they always did. Jun has never felt more grateful for the easiness with which he was able to soak in the peace that was his best friend. Now he could breath like this it felt like he’d not taken a full breath in years, maybe he hadn’t. He let the other members get on with their evening and paid no mind to anything except the body across his, breathing softly. His calmness was shattered at the almighty screech that came from the bathroom. Fuck. Seungkwan appeared in the living room, towel wrapped around his waist, a red scald spilling down his shoulder. It looked as angry as he did. 

“Which idiot turned the shower so hot?” He seethed. Jeonghan rushed to his side to assess the damage done by the too hot water. Jun couldn’t breathe, his whole body was frozen in place. From the corner of his vision he could see Minghao looking up at him, frowning. 

“Was it you?” He whispered so low no one else could hear. Jun shook his head furiously, too panicked to formulate any believable lie. “It’s okay” was all the younger said before his hand went back to running circles. The didn’t take his eyes of the him and Jun could feel as more eyes joined in. 

“Jun, was it you?” Seungkwan barked at him. Too angry to care about honourifics. 

“Seungkwan!” Seungcheol scolded “he’s your hyung, don’t be so rude!” 

“Does it matter? It’s not like he’s Korean or anything” the younger pouted. “We’re getting off topic. Did you turn the shower up?” Jun gulped, steadying his breathing and hoping his voice would follow. 

“Yeah, the water went really cold for some reason so I turned it up. Sorry I forgot to put it back” the older blushed. Seungkwan simply tutted before muttering his apologies for being rude and heading back to take his shower. Jun let out the breath he’d been holding and closed his eyes, headache crawling up behind his eyelids. 

“Why did you lie?” Minghao asked, still whispering. He could talk his way out of this. He just had to come up with the right answer. 

“Lie about what?” He calmly replied. Minghao frowned back at him. Wrong answer. 

“I meant lie to me but if there’s another lie then please tell it” he hissed. Anger seeping into his words as he switched to Chinese. Jun quickly followed suit. 

“I’m sorry I lied to you, I just panicked because Seungkwan looked so angry.” Another lie. He should start keeping a tally. The narrowing of eyes in response told him he was far from believed but he didn’t care anyway. He leaned back again and tried to shake the now full blown migraine. 

“What the hell is going on with you? You need to sort your shit out Junhui, I’m getting tired of it” Minghao got up and stalked towards his bedroom. Of course he was getting tired of it. He didn’t care anyway. None of them did. Jun stayed on the couch for what felt like hours, staring at the TV instead of watching it. Even when Joshua tried to usher him towards his bed he simply shrugged the hand away and pretended to be engrossed in the pointless action on screen. He wallowed in his thoughts for as long as he could bare before slowly making his way towards the bedroom. If only he could take another shower. That would make him feel better. 

**** 

The next few weeks passed much the same. Jun pulled even further back to the point where he barely spoke except when explicitly demanded of him. His hot showers became some what of a habit as did remembering to set the shower back afterwards. The red marks on his shoulders never allowed to fade for more than a few hours. It didn’t help like he remembered it helping. It didn’t soothe the ache in his chest or the tightness in his throat. What else could he do? His options were limited. He needed something to wake him up, to make him feel something other than misery. 

The solution to his dilemma came a lot easier than it should have. The boys had been practicing their new choreography for hours now, sweat seeping out of every pore. But, despite the onset of exhaustion, when Seungcheol called them all to take a break Jun kept on going. There was one 4 count he just couldn’t get. Everyone else had it down but he was always half a beat behind. He’s part of the performance team, he should be the first to nail this. Why couldn’t he nail this? He paused and looked behind him in the mirror watching the others heave breaths and gulp down water. He didn’t deserve water. ‘You can drink when you get this right’ he thought bitterly as he returned his focus to the way his body moved. Frustration and exhaustion were starting to get the better of him. His movement becoming more and more sluggish. A firm hand gripped his shoulder. 

“Hyung, please drink something” he glanced behind him and met Hansol’s worried gaze. The words were on the tip of his tongue ‘I don’t deserve it’ the air in his lungs turned to treacle, rocks pulling up against his chest. He tried to breathe, tried to think straight but he couldn’t it was too much, too loud. He need to get out. Now. 

“I need to use the bathroom” he gasped out “I’ll grab some water after” he forced out a smile as he made his way out of the practice room. Rushing down the hall on autopilot and finding himself staring at his reflection in the dull lighting of the tiled space. The air was ripping through his lungs. His vision swam and blurred. A sharp pain shot through his skull whiting out his vision for a few seconds. He placed a shaking hand on the back of his head, burying it in the dyed hair. Nails digging into his scalp in an attempt to distract himself. It didn’t work so he dug in harder and harder until a small cry of pain left his lips. 

“Hyung are you ok?” His head snapped to the door, Jihoon stood half way through the frame unsure of whether to enter. How much had he seen? Lie. 

“I’m fine. I think I just pulled a muscle in my neck a little” he huffed out a laugh that sounded uncomfortably real and removed his hand. “I’m gonna head back in now, gonna nail this dance by the end of the day” he tried to sound upbeat and positive, unsure of whether it sounded sincere enough to be believable. Jihoon only nodded before heading to a cubicle and locking it behind him. Jun made a b-line for the door praying that the little bit of pain would be enough to make a difference. He got straight back into position once he entered the studio, nodding to whoever it was that checked he had water. He hadn’t but that was the deal. Get the dance right then have water. Work for it. The song started up when Jihoon returned and his body slipped into autopilot. He felt the sweat dripping of his face, down his neck and back. He heard a gasp behind him and looked around noticing everyone staring at him. The music had stopped. When had the music stopped. Wonwoo stepped forward carefully, as if he was trying to avoid spooking an animal. 

“Hyung, you’re bleeding” he breathed out, shock painting his features. Jun frowned for a few seconds until the realisation took over. He reached a hand to run through the sweat on the back of his neck. It felt too viscous, too warm. Once glance told him everything, red painting his finger tips. What did he do? How do you explain blood? What lie could he possibly tell? 

“Jun look at me” a firm voice order from his left. He snapped his head up to stare Seungcheol in the eyes “what happened to your head? Did you fall?” Perfect, that’ll work. The Chinese man nodded sheepishly. 

“Yeah, in the bathroom. I thought I was fine, sorry I didn’t say anything. I just wanted us to get this dance right” he glanced around, face heating up despite knowing it was an outright lie. 

“Let me see how bad it is” Jeonghan rushed forward, motherly instincts taking over. Jun jerked back hard. As if the older’s touch would burn him. If they looked, they’d know. Jeonghan miss read the signal and rolled his eyes. 

“I’m not going to hurt you, I promise I’ll be gentle.” He smiled kindly and put his hands on the younger’s shoulder effectively trapping him. Jun gave in and allowed the other to gentle soft his hands through the soft hair. He saw the way the older frowned in the mirror. Making eye contact with each other for a second. He knew. Fuck. He fucking knew and now so will everyone else. Jeonghan must have seen the panic in the younger’s eyes. He nodded curtly. 

“He’s fine. It’s a tiny cut. I’ll take him home and get it washed up. You guys carry on.” He said firmly, grabbing the others wrist and pulling him out of the room. They didn’t speak all the way home, nor on the way up the stairs. Jeonghan finally opened his mouth once the Jun was sat on the toilet seat, head bowed slightly to give the older access. 

“How?” Was all he asked. Jun just shrugged. If you can’t think of a lie then say nothing at all. “Jun I’m being serious” he put down the disinfectant and lifted the others chin. “Why did you hurt yourself?” He was so calm, so kind. Jun’s eyes burned, tears clouding his vision. Jeonghan pulled him forward and wrapped gentle arms around his neck, rubbing slowly across his back. Sobs wracked through the younger’s body as he allowed himself to be coddled. 

“I’m sorry” was all he could breath out. 

“It’s ok. Let’s get this shirt off. It’s filthy.” Jeonghan left no room for argument and started to pull on the hem of the bloodied clothing. Jun lifted his arms and let it happen. No longer caring about the state of his shoulders, back and stomach. More patches of raw skin had appeared from methodical scrubbing. Jeonghan froze in place and took in the sight in front of him. Jun was a mess of pink skin and red scabbed patches. 

“The shower?” Was all he could bring himself to ask. So Minghao wasn’t the only one to spot his lie. Jun simply nodded in response. “Why?” Jun shrugged again. Head low, cheeks flushed with shame. “No. You don’t get to shrug. Why are you doing this to yourself?” His voice staring to rise out of upset. 

“I-“ what did he say? Could he lie his way out of this? No. “I deserve it” he regretted the words as soon as they fell from his lips. 

“You what?” 

“I mean. I- I need it.” Well that made things worse. Jeonghan looked distraught. He left the bathroom before coming back phone in hand, tears streaming down his face. 

“Cheol. I need you home right now. Leave the others there. I- please just hurry up.” He hung up the phone and crouched in front of the younger. Trying to smile reassuringly despite the tears pouring down his face. He rubbed Jun’s knees soothingly while they waited. Before long the door slammed shut and Seungcheol called out in a panic stricken voice. 

“We’re in the bathroom” jeonghan called back. 

“What the hell is going on? I was starting to think something really bad had-“ Seungcheol froze in the door and looked the pair. “What?” He breathed out, rushing forward and cupping Jun’s face “Junnie, it’s gonna be ok. You tell me who did this and I’ll fucking kill them” he stated protectively. Jun couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“Cheol, Jun did this to himself. He said he deserves it, that he needs it” Jeonghan could barely get the words out as a fresh set of tears poured from his red eyes. Seungcheol froze in place, eyes welling up as they searched the younger’s face for some sign that this was all a big joke. Jun said nothing, did nothing. Even when the older pair started to move around him. Tending to his wounds quietly talking him through every step. They spoke like one would to a scared child. Seungcheol tried to speak to him a few times, tried to nudge any form of response out of him but nothing seemed to work. The older disappeared for a few moments before returning and carrying on his duties. 

Jun’s eyes were drawn to movement at the bathroom door as a third person appeared. Minghao. He smiled sadly before stepping over the threshold of the bathroom and sliding to kneel between Jun’s thighs. His hands ran over the fabric of his tracksuits gently. He didn’t say anything, he just kept his eyes on the face above him waiting for Jun to speak first. Nothing happened for a long while, silence only broken as the two eldest announced they were going to go and make hot chocolate. Minghao nodded in reply and turned back to his best friend. 

“I’m sorry” the words were barely audible but they nearly deafened Jun. This was it. He’d admitted it now. No going back, no lie would cover this. It was over. He was over. 

****

Minghao felt sick to his stomach as he watched the blood trickle down his best friends neck. He’d been pushed so far away from the older in recent weeks that he felt like barely knew him. But that didn’t stop his heart from doubling in speed at the though of Jun being hurt. He let Jeonghan deal with it. It wasn’t his place anymore. He allowed his body to take over and give his mind a break, throwing all he had into the next few run throughs. A phone ringing shattered the reverie he was in he made his way to get water and watched Seungcheol answer the phone. He said nothing for a good few seconds, listening intently to the other voice. His face went pale and his eyes widened. 

“I’m on my way.” He hung up the call before addressing the room calmly. “Guys I need to head off and sort a few things, Hosh can you hold down the fort for me please?” The dance leader nodded and quickly rallied the remaining members to carry on the choreography. Minghao knew that whatever was going on it was to do with Jun. Worry clawed his insides and turned his brain to mush. What happened to not caring? Aside from it being impossible. ‘Jun didn’t want you around. He didn’t need you so why do you care so much?’ He asked himself bitterly before deciding his energy was better spent dancing. It worked surprisingly well until once again a phone rang. His phone rang. He smiled apologetically to the others and went to answer. 

“Hao, I don’t want you to panic” too late “but Jun’s not in a good way, mentally I mean. Physically too so yeah- be prepared for that. Can you come and I dunno. I really don’t know.” Seungcheol sounded caught between being completely distraught and unbelievably exhausted. 

“I’ll be there as quick as I can” Minghao have a curt reply so as not to give away the panic swelling in his chest. “Guys, I gotta go. I’m sorry.” Was all he said as he quickly slipped out of the practice room. A hand caught his arm, gently pulling him to a halt. 

“Is hyung ok?” Chan looked so scared, so young. 

“He’ll be fine. He just needs-“ Minghao didn’t know how to finish his sentence. 

“He needs you, Hyung. So go.” Seokmin appeared in the doorway. “Come on Channie, lets get this choreo nailed!” He beamed, forever the groups sunshine, and Minghao had never been more grateful for it.

The Chinese man wasted little time in making his way home. Once inside the flat he made a b-line for the bathroom where he could see light streaming out into the dim hallway. Rounding the corner and looking at the body perched on the toilet he had to hold in the gasp of shock. Jun looked so broken, his shoulders were slumped and his head was hung low. Tears dripping down on to the floor every so often. He could see both Jeonghan and Seungcheol had been crying and he couldn’t blame them. He wanted to. He probably would very soon. His feet moved before his brain registered it and the youngest knelt down between strong legs and started to run his hands over them gently, anything to soothe his friend even a little. Up close he could see the raw patches marring the pristine skin. He’d known Jun was lying about the shower, why didn’t he call him out on it then? He could have stopped this. He should have been there. Neither of them spoke. They just watched each other, breathing syncing, bodies relaxing a little on reflex at the proximity. Once they were alone it didn’t take long for Jun to speak. 

“I’m sorry” he whispered. Why was he apologising? Minghao tried to think rationally despite the millions of thoughts flying around his head. 

“It’s okay. We’re gonna be ok.” He reassured as best he could, smiling sadly again. “Have you hurt yourself anywhere else?” Jun shook his head. “Jun, please tell me the truth. I won’t ask to see it or ask how I just need to know so someone can make sure it’s all clean.” 

“Hao, I promise” Jun spoke a little louder this time. He held up a shaking pinky finger which Minghao took gladly, praying that for once this wasn’t just another lie. 

“Why don’t we go and get something to drink and we can talk?” It sounded more like an outright question than a suggestion but Minghao didn’t know how much Jun could deal with right now. The older nodded in response and waited for Minghao to get him a shirt to put on before he moved an inch. The pair made their way down the hall to the kitchen. Jun huddled behind his friend in an attempt to shelter himself from the eldest pair, despite his being quite a bit taller. Jeonghan and Seungcheol glanced up from their quiet conversation and waved the pair over. The group mother got up to make more hot chocolate while everyone waited for someone to break the oppressive silence. 

“How bad was his head hyung?” Minghao broke it. 

“Not too bad, just a few cuts from his nails” Jeonghan choked out obviously still struggling with the thought of his dongsaeng hurting himself immensely. 

“That’s good” the youngest smiled, hand resting on his best friends knee as he sensed the other tense up. Once everyone was settled the leader decided it was his turn to speak up. 

“We need to talk about this. I don’t know if you want to talk to me, Han, Hao or any of the others but you need to talk to someone. We can get you some help. We’ll get through this ok” he smiled reassuringly. 

“I don’t want help” Jun whispered. 

“Do you feel like you need it though? Honestly?” Minghao turned himself to face the other and tried to find his gaze. They locked eyes as Jun spoke. 

“I don’t know, I don’t think so.” Was all he could say. That was the truth. 

“Ok, maybe we should just talk a little bit and see where we stand then?” Jeonghan suggested. Jun nodded in response, his eyes never leaving Minghao’s face. The eldest two took their leave again. Knowing Jun would never open up with them all there watching. 

****

They were alone again, in the kitchen now and Jun had to be a little grateful because the kitchen chair was a lot more comfortable than the toilet seat. Minghao was waiting for answers, for anything. What did he say? How does he even start? Minghao didn’t let him sit in his thoughts for long. The familiar and comforting sounds of Chinese filled the air. 

“I know this is gonna be nearly impossible for you so why don’t we just start with today? What happened to your head?” The younger coaxed gently. Maybe he didn’t have to say it all right now. 

“I cut my head open with my nails” he replied quietly. No point in beating around the bush now. 

“Why?” Came the simple response. The was no malice only soft words and softer eyes. 

“I don’t know” Lie. 

“Yes you do” of course he’d see through it. 

“I just needed a distraction so I could breathe properly for a second” Minghao frowned at this. 

“Breathe properly? Why couldn’t you breathe properly?” He asked gingerly 

“I don’t know why. I just- sometimes it just feels like there’s a bag of rocks in my chest and it’s so hard to breath and my fingers get all weird and so do my lips and it feel like I’m dying” Jun gasped, just thinking about that horrible feeling bring it back in full force. But Minghao was here now. He was going to see him like this, he need something to snap him out of it. He dug his nails in to the meat of his thigh as hard as he could. He just needed to wake up and he’d be fine. 

“-aethe, just breathe. It’s ok. You’re ok, Jun. Just breathe with me ok?” Jun finally focused back in on Minghao who’d apparently been talking. Jun frowned and tried to listen to what he was saying, hand relaxing on his thigh a little in concentration. “Its ok, Junhui. You’re not dying I promise. You’re having a panic attack ok? You’ll be alright, It’s all gonna be ok.” he soothed as best he could. A panic attack? Is that what this was? 

“I don’t understand” he sobbed out. 

“Hey, it’s ok. Lots of people get them. Just breathe in nice and slow. Here” he said and lifted Jun’s hand to his chest to follow the rise and fall of his own calmer breaths. It helped a lot. He felt himself begin to calm down and sucked in a huge gulp of air he’d been missing. 

“T-thanks” He stammered out.

“Is that why you hurt yourself? To distract yourself from panic attacks?” The older nodded in response, his eyes closed in defeat. A pair of arms wrapped around him and he felt his head press against the solid form of Minghao’s stomach. “We can fix that. There’s lots of things we can do. But the next time you feel like that you can’t hurt yourself ok? You have to come find me” Jun nodded before his head snapped up in fear. 

“What if you’re not around?” He whispered. Minghao considered the words deeply for a second before responding. 

“Maybe we should tell the others” He tried to say it as carefully as possible to avoid another panic attack. Jun only shook his head vigorously. “Junnie, as much as I want to I can’t help you with this alone. This has to be a team effort” he tried to reason. 

“But they don’t want me” the older choked out. Minghao only spluttered in confusion. “They always say it. I’m no fun, I’m weird. I can’t speak Korean properly. They’re much better off with you.” He started to sob, tears soaking the grey shirt beneath him. 

“That’s not true.” The younger spoke firmly. “They all adore you. They make stupid jokes some times but every single member would go to the ends of the earth for you Wen Junhui. We love you.” Jun didn’t respond to this at all. Just buried himself closer into Minghao and tried to breath normally. They stayed like this for another few minutes before Jeonghan broke the peace. Minghao nudged the older Chinese man. 

“Can I tell Hyungs?” He nearly begged. Jun nodded quietly and watched the pair step out of the kitchen for a few minutes. They came back after a while and brought Seungcheol with them who knelt between the younger legs and carded a strong hand through his hair.

“We’re gonna find a way to help you. Ok Junnie? I can’t promise we can fix it but we’ll try.” He reassured in a kind yet authoritative voice. Jun nodded again. Maybe there was a way out of this. 

**** 

It took a day and half for Jun to decide it was time to tell the others. It hadn’t been easy to convince him. He still didn’t want to be the one to say it. In fact he insisted on not being there at all. Minghao understood. It wasn’t going to be easy. The three remaining decided it would be best to let Jeonghan explain. Despite Minghao knowing the score a little better it was without doubt that Jeonghan would be able to say it in a way that the younger couldn’t. All nine remaining members were gathered. Jeonghan sighed deeply thinking of how to start. 

“Is hyung ok?” Jihoon asked, even he seemed a little timid. 

“He’s o- No he’s not.” Deciding dead honestly was the best way Jeonghan continued. “Jun’s been having panic attacks and to try and stop them he’s been hurting himself.” 

“He’s what?” Seokmin cried in disbelief. Minghao decided that now was the time to interject. 

“He’s been scalding himself and giving himself sores from scrubbing in the shower and he made himself bleed digging his nails into his head the other day” he didn’t mean the words to sound quite so blunt but it was too late to take it back now. 

“Why?” Mingyu whispered out in shock. Seungcheol was the one to speak this time. 

“The pain distracts him”

Minghao bowed his head for a second to collect his thoughts but immediately jerked it back up again when he heard Seungkwan let out a sob. He watched the singer lean in to Hansol’s shoulder, the younger was sat with silent tears rolling down his cheeks too. Looking around the room he saw that every member was crying. A few more seconds passed as he realised that the wetness dripping on to his lap was from his own tears. The twelve of them sat in miserable silence for a few minutes. Taking in the new information and trying to figure what the next step was. No one spoke for a long while, no one dared to. Wonwoo eventually piped up. 

“Why has he been having panic attacks?” 

“He thinks we don’t want him. He’s convinced of it” Minghao breathed out. 

“That’s not true!” Chan cried, sobs becoming more audible. Jeonghan got up and sat with the Maknae bundling him on to his lap and stroking his hair soothingly. 

“I think we need to show him that” he smiled sadly, continuing his ministrations. The others nodded in agreement and began to discuss how they could help Jun get through this. 

**** 

By the time Jun stepped in to the dorm it was already dark outside. He’d been stalling for hours. Terrified to come back and face his members. As soon as he rounded the corner into the living room a pair of gangly arms wrapped around him. 

“It’s gonna be ok Hyung.” Mingyu sobbed into his shoulder. Jun stood for a split second in shock before returning the hug and leaning into the taller boy. They stayed like this for a few minutes before he was passed around each member. They held him tightly whispering reassurances and apologies until only Jihoon was left. The smaller man stood, staring blankly. He stepped forward, face starting to warp into something else. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice.” Was all he could blurt our before he enveloped the older in a tight hug. Sobs wracking through his tiny body. Jun buried his face in the younger’s hair and cried with him. 

After that night things seemed a little better. Jun was barely left alone for a few seconds, all of the members insistent on keeping him close by. The panic didn’t go but now when he felt it he did his best to find Minghao instead of self destructing. He never spoke or asked for comfort he just laid his palm on the younger’s chest and tried to sync his breathing. Letting the younger pet his hand gently, holding the other and giving it the occasional light squeeze. Nights were harder at first with out the scalding heat to help exhaust him. He spent hours tossing and turning before eventually breaking and making his way to Minghao’s bed. Sliding down under the covers and wrapping his arms around the smaller form. They rarely spoke in those moments. Just enjoying the warmth of the other and the way it helped them both drift off. The panic wasn’t gone but it was manageable now. 

**** 

Weeks had passed and Hansol could see the change in his hyung. He looked healthier. Seeing him smile again genuinely it made him kick himself for not realising just how artificial it had been before. He blinked away his tears at the thought and set his thoughts back to the present task. The fan sign was going well despite Minghao’s absence. The elder had caught a bug and was spending most of his time in bed, writing him off for promotions for the past week. Hansol loved watching the members interact with their fans. Grinning at the excited cheers and screaming every time someone so much as opened their mouth to speak. The manager called for a quick break and they all filed off stage. He was in the middle of a detailed discussion with Josh about whether twinkies would be enough to survive an apocalypse on when he felt a hand press against his chest. He looked up and found a panicked pair of eyes staring back. Jun was having a panic attack? He panicked himself for a second before thinking back. Jun did this to Minghao when he was having an attack but Minghao wasn’t here. What did he do? Hold his hand. Hansol reached out and gently took the older’s free hand in his own. Thumb running circles into the back of it soothingly. He watched the older close his eyes and put more effort into regulating his own breathing. God he hoped this would work. They spent a good while stood together like this. Josh immediately taking leave to give them peace. It felt like too long and not long enough before Jun opened his eyes again. They seemed clearer, less glassy. He gave a small apologetic smile to the younger. Who simply gave a grin in return and wrapped the taller man in a tight hug. 

“I’m really proud of you, Hyung” he whispered before pulling back and checking the other over one last time before making his way back to the group who were waiting to take the stage again. Jun stayed put for a few seconds until Seungkwan held out a hand for him to take. Things were getting better.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed that. Sorry it's so sad. Take care of yourselves folks.


End file.
